It looks like I only seem to blog when I go through a little life changing experience. How many life changing experiences does everyone counter? It seems almost infinite and it only puts to perspective that the old saying of "you'll learn something new everyday" seem very true. My previous life changing experience was about school and how I was unable to decide my future. I wasn't sure about med school due to certain circumstances. Very few people know about my decision of med school. Then opens another door in life where I got into a field that makes me think, use my creativity and gives me the same thrill as med school will. The thrill I speak of is the thrill of solving a puzzle.
Moving on 2 years forward, I have graduated with my mechanical engineering degree and now I'm pursuing my masters. Everything seems to fall in place as what I saw when I first open my door. In this door, I met so many people and I met a girl that I would give all my feelings for. In which leads to this blog. I got another life changing experience. This time it came in a manner of knowing what I want from a person that I want to wake up to every morning.
About this experience, I fell for a girl that I truly do like for everything she stands for and everything she is and whoever she is with. In reality, I liked everything about her. I did have to go through a certain spell of uncertainty and everything went great after our time off from dating. There was passion, intimacy and we can talk about a lot of stuff. However, somewhere towards the end I guess we somewhat drift apart. There was a lack of communication and intimacy, I was afraid to ask her anything. I partially blame myself for this as I had a fear in me that I would offend her if I were to confront about what I feel. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would seem to be a needy boyfriend. I was wrong in this aspect. As a couple, I should have told her how I felt about certain aspects and we could have perhaps worked on this.
I don't think I can say I'm wrong for feeling the need to be wanted at times. Everyone wants the feeling of being wanted by their loved ones. For not being wanted, I can say that it is a punishment far greater than death. I wanted her to know that I do love her and that I did my very best. However it seems like that I did not for if I had told her sooner about it, this might have been fixed. Anyway, there's no use regretting the past and I can say that in the end this led to her feeling that we are just friends and she couldn't develop any feelings for me.
Feelings now just seem to hit me hard at once. I was devastated, hurt, confused but self reflecting seems to be very helpful. I know now that to have a relationship that lasts long, we need better communication, intimacy and willingness to sacrifice bit parts of our time. In a short summary, I know now that a relationship is nothing more than a two way street and we have to give in order to receive. It may seem easy but I will never underestimate this ever again. Never let fear get hold of you.
For now, all that seems to come in my mind is "what if" and whether she feels the same way as I do at the moment. She said she only feels for me as friend. It seems like she has been feeling that way for a while and I feel that she's probably dealing with this much easier than I am and back doing what she always does because she is a strong willed girl.
I find myself asking this every minute of the day " What is she doing? Does she think of me? Does she feel the way I do? Is she having second thoughts?" but right now all I can do is try to look forward and perhaps time will heal. Blogging and the quote below is helping me out so much at the moment.
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