Onto the Future

It's been a while since my last update. I think everything is going alright. It has been somewhat relieving and somewhat intriguing. I had lunch with her and as always, I feel so comfortable around her. I just know her so well and beginning to trust her with my feelings. I don't know how she feels yet but I know I'm opening up to her a lot. I want to be there for her and being supportive. I was really happy at lunch and seeing her just gives me butterfly in my stomach. She always had this effect.
We talked a little, and it was good that we talked. We don't know what the future hold for us but as we are working on fixing the problems, I think it's good for the future. If we do end up getting back together after fixing the problems, I think we have built a solid foundation and our relationship will only be stronger. We'll see how it goes. I'm giving her all the time and space. At times, I would decide not to text her. I don't want to persistently be there that she gets annoyed by my presence. If it doesn't work out, I'm still not too sure how to handle it. I don't think I'm ready to see her with another guy just yet. It would remind me of the previous girls that I dated always either cheat or opt for another guy. If she decides to date someone else, I know that guy is really lucky. She is a really nice, sweet and beautiful girl.

Bucket List

Here's the bucket list that I created:

1. Own my very own house
2. Own a beach house (This is something very later on)
3. Run 5Ks in less than 25 mins
4. Learn to play the guitar
5. Travel around Europe, South America and parts of Asia with my friends or significant other
6. Attend a World Cup game (preferably Brazil 2014 and to watch my favorite team, Brazil play)
7. To have good abs at some point in my life
8. Learn another foreign language (Spanish)
9. Skydiving
10. Get on a hot air balloon.
11. Go to the 7 wonders of the world
12. Attend a concert by Eric Clapton, Paul McCartney and Santana
13. Visit New York for New Years days
14. To love and be loved
15. Buy my parents whatever they want
16. To somehow get my dad to attend all the concerts that I go
17. Buy my mom the car of her dreams
18. Make adventures with my significant other
19. Learn a new sports
20. Attend a Manchester United game
21. To go to Vegas with my dad
22. Be very good at skiing
23. Learn to bake a cake
24. Learn to cook food from 5 different cultures (so far only 1 is done)
25. Attend the wedding of all my best friends

So far, I only made a few but I'll think of more and add it as it comes.

Songs

While running, my iPhone played two random songs and even though it's corny but that was how I felt. I tried to use the emotion while running, telling myself I'll reach my goal once I finish the run.

Here are the two songs:
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
and
Time after time by Eva Cassidy

That's just how I felt at the moment and there are some parts of the lyrics telling me how I felt and how I like to share moments that just can't be replaced.

Hopefully some time tomorrow I can post my bucket list.

All is Well

All is well. That is what I keep telling myself. I have started talking with her again after talking to her mom. It seems like I poured my heart out telling how I feel to her mom. She's always there to listen and that is something I'll never forget. We have started talking again and even though not much is being said about the past, it is fair to say that we are taking mini steps on trying to fix our miscommunication. I'm trying not to dwell on the past and instead focus on the future. Right now, having the communication worked on is definitely a plus. I feel I can open up more to her and that was something that I seem to have a problem. Since the previous posts were deleted, my problem to mention what I feel or how I perceive thing has not changed. Probably because the last time I poured my heart out and tell people how I feel only end up with me being hurt. All in all, she was not like that and I should have done that without fearing that I was judged based on what I said.
As mother Theresa once said "If you can judge people, then you don't have time to love" and I see her point now. I've been doing good with friends. I have always had friends that don't judge you based on looks,religion or anything else. I had a girl like that but we had our issue. Hopefully it gets worked out. At the moment, I have no idea where this is leading to but I'm taking my time talking to her and hopefully she and I will develop trusts for each other. I'll admit I still do have feelings for her but I'm trying to fix our problems first rather than about my feelings. Secretly I hope for one thing but I don't know whether it is possible. All in all, I think trying to understand each other is one important foundation.

What now?

I broke my rule and made contact with her. I was going through some of the stuff, I came across her Power Rangers DVD. Gosh, that made me miss her so much. I had to ask her if she wanted it back. It was her favorite season. We talked a little and to my surprise she was going through a tough time with this as well. I didn't know she would because she thought of me as her friend rather than as her boyfriend. I do love her though and I feel it is harder for me to get over her. The only thought going through my head is how come she's going through a tough time when she doesn't love me?
I miss her and maybe we rushed the whole break up without even working it out. The only problem I had was that she doesn't love me. I don't want to force her to love me when she doesn't. Deep down I wish she has feelings for me and want to get back with me.
Sigh, now I'm selling the Katy Perry ticket. I could have gone but not without her. I would have wished her to be by my side holding my hands and that would make me miss her a lot. I thought of mailing her the DVD and the tickets but I don't want to trouble her.

Part and Parcel of Growing Up

As it may seem like a new blog, but in reality this blog is actually fairly old. I have deleted my old posts as it was a few years back and I can fairly say that I have grown up a whole lot and having different opinions on certain matters.
It looks like I only seem to blog when I go through a little life changing experience. How many life changing experiences does everyone counter? It seems almost infinite and it only puts to perspective that the old saying of "you'll learn something new everyday" seem very true. My previous life changing experience was about school and how I was unable to decide my future. I wasn't sure about med school due to certain circumstances. Very few people know about my decision of med school. Then opens another door in life where I got into a field that makes me think, use my creativity and gives me the same thrill as med school will. The thrill I speak of is the thrill of solving a puzzle.
Moving on 2 years forward, I have graduated with my mechanical engineering degree and now I'm pursuing my masters. Everything seems to fall in place as what I saw when I first open my door. In this door, I met so many people and I met a girl that I would give all my feelings for. In which leads to this blog. I got another life changing experience. This time it came in a manner of knowing what I want from a person that I want to wake up to every morning.
About this experience, I fell for a girl that I truly do like for everything she stands for and everything she is and whoever she is with. In reality, I liked everything about her. I did have to go through a certain spell of uncertainty and everything went great after our time off from dating. There was passion, intimacy and we can talk about a lot of stuff. However, somewhere towards the end I guess we somewhat drift apart. There was a lack of communication and intimacy, I was afraid to ask her anything. I partially blame myself for this as I had a fear in me that I would offend her if I were to confront about what I feel. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I would seem to be a needy boyfriend. I was wrong in this aspect. As a couple, I should have told her how I felt about certain aspects and we could have perhaps worked on this.
I don't think I can say I'm wrong for feeling the need to be wanted at times. Everyone wants the feeling of being wanted by their loved ones. For not being wanted, I can say that it is a punishment far greater than death. I wanted her to know that I do love her and that I did my very best. However it seems like that I did not for if I had told her sooner about it, this might have been fixed. Anyway, there's no use regretting the past and I can say that in the end this led to her feeling that we are just friends and she couldn't develop any feelings for me.
Feelings now just seem to hit me hard at once. I was devastated, hurt, confused but self reflecting seems to be very helpful. I know now that to have a relationship that lasts long, we need better communication, intimacy and willingness to sacrifice bit parts of our time. In a short summary, I know now that a relationship is nothing more than a two way street and we have to give in order to receive. It may seem easy but I will never underestimate this ever again. Never let fear get hold of you.
For now, all that seems to come in my mind is "what if" and whether she feels the same way as I do at the moment. She said she only feels for me as friend. It seems like she has been feeling that way for a while and I feel that she's probably dealing with this much easier than I am and back doing what she always does because she is a strong willed girl.
I find myself asking this every minute of the day " What is she doing? Does she think of me? Does she feel the way I do? Is she having second thoughts?" but right now all I can do is try to look forward and perhaps time will heal. Blogging and the quote below is helping me out so much at the moment.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." - Paolo Coelho